Year in review...and hopes for '09

What a crazy year '08 has been.
January: We spent a lot of time at Disney and saw our wonderful cousins with our new annual passes.
February: Nelson turned 26.
March: We spent the first week in Seattle, WA. The girls were fabulous on the airplane...I suggest everyone fly at bedtime with toddlers :). On the 8th Alison got married to Bob, and my girls were their flowergirls. I was a bridesmaid and ended up walking down the aisle with my shy Brianna as Mikayla was so big and brave and walked in front of Alison :).
May: We moved to our new house, where we are going to stay forever and ever ;). We also found out our friends Sara and Dan were expecting a baby!
June: Nelson and I celebrated our 5 year anniversary in Vegas. We went with Sara and Dan who were celebrating their 1 year anniversary.
July: Tiffany turned 27.
August: The girls started pre-school!!! My babies are actually big enough to be in school.
September: We were so thrilled to find out we were pregnant again.
October: At the end of October we found out we lost our precious baby. On the 9th, the girls turned 3. We celebrated at Disney World for the weekend with our family. It was a weekend full of wonderful memories.
November: I found out the pregnancy had been a partial molar pregnancy. I had weekly blood tests for 5 weeks until I was finally negative. I will have a monthly draw in January. I'm hoping for the best and that we'll have a healthy pregnancy and baby in '09.
December: We had such wonderful Christmas memories and fun family times. We enjoyed seeing Santa bunches, and Disney with friends, and making cookies together. This month was just perfect.

As for '09....
I'm praying we get pregnant and stay pregnant, and that our baby is healthy. Please pray about this for us...we could use all the prayers we can get.

I'm hoping the girls can be potty trained at night pretty easily

I'm so looking forward to our trip in May to New York to meet baby Lucy and go to Niagra Falls.

I can NOT believe my babies will be turning FOUR. That is just too big. I'll definitely have tears that day (so hoping I'm preggo by then so I know there will be a baby on the way)...pray pray pray!

I'm praying the market gets better so my husband isn't so frustrated at work.

I hope my sister graduates college and doesn't stress so much over it.

I hope my parents living close is a blessing.

I need to figure out where I want the girls to go to kindergarten...public or fundamental???

I want to be more organized.

Great Christmas!

This was by far the best Christmas morning with the girls. They were so excited, and so thankful. It was so sweet. One of my favorite parts of the morning was when the girls opened a gift from each other and then went over and hugged each other and said thank you. I captured Brianna's thankful, excited expression...

They are just the best little people :). Today they pretended to be husband and wife. It was the funniest thing ever. I'm listening to my work out mix...looking forward to going tomorrow. Hoping I can be more consistant with it. I'm going when Nelson gets home from work because the girls got sick after starting the Y and being in the kidzone, and Mikayla always gets upset when I leave. SO, MWF I'm going when he gets home, and TR going when the girls are at school. I'm bound and determined to shed some lbs before we can ttc again :).

Hanukkah

We went over to Nelson's mom's to celebrate the first night of Hanukkah. She got the girls a power wheel barbie jeep...that they LOVE! The girls painted a menorah for their Nana, and then had so many questions on the way home.

M~Why does Nana have Hanukkah?

Daddy and Mommy~we explained different holidays and 3 year old understanding of why.

B~*thinking a lot* Mommy, is there a Christmas tree for Hanukkah?

Mommy~No

B~Nana has a Christmas tree...bewildered look...

Mommy~That's because they celebrate both.

Brianna and Mikayla~I want to celebrate both! (they just see more presents!) lol. I then explained again...we are Christians we celebrate Jesus' birth....so funny.

Negative

Got the call Friday...I'm at zero :). I go in in a month to get my levels checked again. If they are still at 0 we are good to go :). Had a great weekend in Orlando with our friends. I love this time of year. Can't believe it's almost 80 degrees and almost Christmas though!

My STARS!

The girls had their first Christmas show today! They were beautiful, sweet, angelic singers on stage. Since they are one of the younger classes they came out towards the end and did two songs. I took pictures, and Nelson recorded them :). I don't seem to have the patience for YouTube, always seems to take forever to upload for me, but if I do upload them singing I'll for sure post :).

Tomorrow we are going to Orlando with friends. I'm excited :). I hope I get a call tomorrow saying I'm FINALLY negative. We'll see. I had my blood drawn again today..I feel like a damn regular. HATE that. Dr. seems really certain we'll be fine next year...praying he's right. I'm just so sick of these weekly dr. trips to be surrounded by husband and wives excited to see their ultrasound. Today I walk in and the ultrasound tech who gave us our bad news got a huge smile on her face when she saw me and smiled and said hi...I quickly walked away and said hi...afraid she thought I was there because we were pregnant again. It's been SEVEN weeks so likely if it was a normal miscarriage that we could be pregnant again...BUT I had this horrible molar preg. attack me which is like a prison sentence. I hate that normal people get to decide when they ttc, and me I have to be told, don't try cancerous cells might still be in your uterus it's not safe. This dr. visit was a rough one for me...praying I hear ZERO tomorrow.

Looking Good!

Today I'm in my room listening to my girls at nap time on the monitor. They told me they weren't sleepy...so I told them to get a book and look at it quietly in bed. I could hear them "reading" and then it got really quiet (this can mean they are sleeping, or getting into trouble). I need to create a monitor that records what they say because I LOVE listening to their funny talks on the monitor :). As I'm listening I hear..."How do I look sister?" Then, Brianna said, "You look GOOD!" SO cute. So I went in, and they were in their closet. Brianna had three shirts on. Mikayla had completely changed her outfit. Oh goodness. CAN'T wait for their first Christmas program tomorrow!!!!
<3

Christmas Party

Mikayla has a stomach bug, and missed her first Christmas party at school :(. Brianna has been fine, and she went and Mommy went :). Uncle Ricky was awesome and stayed with Mikayla...Brianna packed a bag of goodies to bring home for her sister it was so sweet. Mikayla seems to be doing better, and has been able to hold some food down today. You can tell she's sick when she didn't want the cookie her sister brought home for her!

We are going to a neighborhood party tonight and Santa is coming on a firetruck! Then, the girls' first Christmas program is Thursday...hoping Brianna doesn't get sick and Mikayla is 100% by then!!!

Here are some cute pics from the party...

Brianna in circle

Eating her treats with her friends

Lacing and decorating the stockings Mommy made for the class craft.

Brianna

It seems my baby has her first crush ;).

Last Sunday at church when the priest says, "Now show each other a sign of peace" Brianna went back to Joseph (a boy in her class), and shook his hand. No one else's...just wanted to run to him :).

Then, today at a breakfast with Santa at church Brianna went up to say hi, and Joseph's mom said she thinks something is going on with these two...lol. Joseph had a baggy of acorns from outdoor play in his backpack Thursday with his name, and another with Brianna's name. Joseph had told his mom that they found them together, and that Brianna wanted Joseph to have hers.

So funny!

Fun with friends...

We went for the 2nd annual trip to see Santa with our friends. This is the girls' 4th year seeing this Santa! They have seen him every year since they were born! Here's a picture of all the kids (3 sets of twins) with Santa :)We are getting ready for a super busy weekend...
I go back to the dr. on Thursday. My levels were at 12 last week. Going down, but still not negative. After 6 flipping weeks still not negative. I truly don't know how I would get through this without my girls. Their teacher said today that they have been doing great. Brianna got to bring in the show and tell box today :). I can't wait to see them next week in their first Christmas program!!!

Santa

My girls are so excited about Christmas this year, and not at all scared of Santa :) :). Today we pull up to school and Santa was there welcoming the children!! This year they already have seen 4 Santas and we are going Thurs. night to see Santa, and breakfast with Santa on Saturday!! I only remember as a kid seeing him in the mall. Craziness!! They haven't wondered why the Santa's look different which surprises me. I just keep telling them he keeps coming to see if they are being naughty or nice ;). Gotta love November and December when you can use Santa to keep you kids in line :) :).

December

Brought the girls to a birthday party last night. It was so fun...and the family went all out. Towards the end of the birthday Santa himself made an appearance!! I always said I don't think I'd want to have a baby in December...but this made me reconcider. We are able to ttc again sometime in '09. If it happened for us in March we'd have a Dec. baby. At this point I don't care if the baby is born on Christmas Day as long as it's a healthy baby. I got a new excitement though about a fall/winter baby. I had been so sad that we were going to have a baby in "Our" perfect time and then it didn't happen...and maybe God got me at that party yesterday and got me excited to say that this could be His perfect time for us. Or maybe I overanalyze EVERYTHING;). Either way, I'm excited...and SO anxious for our time to be here. I hate that we have to wait. I hate that this is going on with my body and I have no control over it. In other news, we've had a wonderful weekend. Nelson is out putting lights on the house right now...our first year doing that!! It's starting to look a lot like Christmas....

YMCA

I joined the Y on Tuesday! I went on Tuesday only for 15ish minutes. We had to get home for dinner, and I didn't want to leave the girls in the Kids Zone for too long. I did the treadmill the whole time. Today I went for 40 min. I did the bike, treadmill and stairmaster. I felt too intimidated to try the ab machines. (Which is what I need to be doing). Nelson's going with me tomorrow and he's going to show me what to do. Tuesday and today Mikayla cried when I left...she has been so attached to my hip lately. Brianna was so excited to be there (it really is a fun place, tons of toys, games, big climbing area with slide). Hoping Mikayla does better tomorrow. Today when I came in to get her someone was holding her like she was an infant. Geez. Maybe it's because I keep telling them not to get any bigger? ;)

Girls Day!

I headed to Epcot today. Nelson had too much to do at work and couldn't come..blah. So, I thought about not going, but I really wanted to see Neil Patrick Harris do the Candlelight Processional. I'm so glad I went. The girls were SO good. We had so much fun! We saw Santa and Mrs. Clause, Aladdin and Jasmine, waved at Belle and the Beast (the girls didn't want to go near the beast), got stamps from every country, went on 2 rides (Mexico boat ride, and Figment ride), then saw Candlelight!! I also got through 2 meals, and many trips to the potty and at the end of the day had a smile on my face!

oh my goodness...

Mikayla: Mommy you know how I can see your privates when you go potty, but not Daddys because his are different?

Me: Um, yeah

Mikayla: I saw Daniel's privates today (at school)

Me: Where??

Mikayla: He came out of the bathroom for help

Me: Did you turn your head?

Mikayla: No (smiling)

Me: Ok, turn your head next time.

Mikayla: Ok, Mommy

There is a message board on babycenter.com just for partial and complete molar pregnancies. I am so thankful for this site. What did people do before the internet?? I have found a place where people know exactly what I'm feeling and are going through the same thing. There is a thread called Stories where people answer the questions below in bold and you can see what others "stories" are and are able to compare and relate to each other's experiences. Here's my "story" that I filled out for the thread.

Signs of mp during pregnancy? Some cramping (Dr. kept saying this was normal) I had a tiny bit of spotting at 10 weeks so we went in for an ultrasound and saw a perfect baby with a perfect heartbeat (171)...but the baby measured 8 weeks...after that...no signs...super tired, bloated.
How far were you when mp was diagnosed? I was 12 weeks along. The baby no longer had a heartbeat. My D&C was scheduled for the next day. I didn't find out it was a PMP until 2 weeks after my D&C when I had my follow up appt.
What language did the doctor use to diagnose you? I was shocked to find out they even tested my tissue because they said since it was my first loss they weren't going to. Dr. said baby had 3 times the amount of chromosomes, and it came back as a partial molar. That I would have to get my levels tested to make sure it goes down and that I should get my cycle 4-6 weeks after D&C and then can try to conceive again in 3 months. I also heard him mention cancer which completely freaked me out.
What is the track your hcg levels have taken?2 weeks after D&C:113 3 weeks: 45 4 weeks: 36
When did Aunt Flo come? Was it normal? Still waiting...(update started 12/4 WOO HOO)Dr. reccommendation for trying again?3 months
Previous Pregnancies? a high risk pregnancy that resulted in perfect identical twin girls...I sometimes secretly wonder if they did a number on my body and I won't be able to carry another baby. I pray that's not the case.
Outlook? Hopeful, and terrified. I hope it doesn't take us long to get pregnant once we are ready,but I know I'll be a nervous wreck. We pray God blesses us with a healthy baby to complete our family.
Worst thing someone's said to me: Well, you have your daughters so you'll be ok.. (I loved this baby too, yes, we are blessed to have our girls but that doesn't mean this baby wasn't important and so wanted and loved)
Best/Most helpful thing anyone has said to me: I have had 2 friends who consistently check in on me and make sure my levels are going down after each appt. It really means a lot that they care.
Hardest things to get through: Answering my girls' questions and them daily talking about our baby in Heaven.
Best moments: My relationship with my DH growing throughout this.
Final comments: So glad I found this message board!

In other news, we got our tree tonight. We were suppossed to get it yesterday, but it was raining all day! So, we waited...the girls were SO excited. It was so fun, and it was their first year to help decorate. I love Christmas time!

36

My levels are at 36. I go back in on the 9th :(. Today is also a month since our ultrasound showing we lost our baby.

In less depressing news...we did have a nice Thanksgiving...and today I shopped till I dropped with my sister and youngest brother. Then, met friends up at Hyde Park's tree lighting. Hoping the girls sleep in after a busy day...but I doubt that will happen :).

daily reminders...

Had more blood drawn today. I'll get the results on Friday. Praying I'm at 0, but the Dr. says he expects it to drop half of what it was last week, so that would be 20. If I'm above 10 I have to come in next week...and if I'm below 10 I can wait until the end of December. I wish I could move past all of this, but with the constant trips to check my levels, and the constant reminders all around me it's so hard.

Tonight we were talking to the girls about Thanksgiving, and I asked them what they were thankful for...they were in quite the moods and I was VERY ready to put them to bed. They both replied at the same time to my question by saying, "Nothing". I was so upset! I sat them down and told them they have so much to be thankful for and they had to list 3 things right then or Santa would see them being naughty. (whatever will work, right?) Well, right then Mikayla said 1. God 2. Jesus 3. Our baby in Heaven. Don't know if she was working me (they are 3 and already know what buttons of mine to push)....but I truly think this was sincere because of how quickly she said her 3 thankful things. Brianna went 2nd so she said 1. Teddy's 2. God and 3 Our baby. They really are the sweetest girls. I have so much to be thankful for...I pray next year I can add another healthy pregnancy to the list of things I'm thankful for.

SO ADORABLE...

I had to hop on the computer and type this out before I forgot any of it...

So, I'm driving with my girlies this afternoon and Brianna out of nowhere says, "Mommy I love you. You are cool dude." I said, "OH, I love you!" Then, she said, "You are just perfect." !!! (I say this to them a lot) So so super sweet. They say I love you out of the blue all the time now, and it feel so sincere since it's not just after I tell them I love them. It's just the best.

In the same car ride I got frustrated with traffic when I had to make a Uturn, and said something like, "There's so much traffic I'll never be able to turn". Mikayla in her many statements that are beyond her years, says, "Mommy take a deep breath." Seriously?!?!? It was so funny.

We had a fabulous weekend. Two of my friends are really into garage sales, and since money is tight lately I've decided to see what all the hype's about ;). We went out last Saturday morning and I found a real $5 LV purse!! Then, this past Saturday I told the girls I'd find something for them and for $1 I got them an Asian barbie with a kimono and everything, she's beautiful...and I found a set of 4 Pooh books for $1 :). It was very exciting :). On Sunday we headed to Disney where it's hard to be thrifty, but we had a great time...and seeing Santa was free! The girls were so excited and told him what they wanted and had no fear going up to him! Such big girls...ugh...I told them today I want to put them in a bubble so they stop growing, and Mikayla said, "Mommy I'm just growing up a little bit". Well, ok then :).

Joke

My daughters are hilarious. Today Mikayla told me a joke that she made up, and it was SO funny!!

Mikayla: Mommy how do monsters count to 15?
Me: I don't know, how?
Mikayla: They use their fingers!
Me and Mikayla: LOL!!!!

It was so cute!!! Mikayla is my deep thinker and story teller. Brianna has Nelson's wit, and silliness :). Today Nelson told her she needed to lay down after Mikayla was already napping, and Brianna said, "Daddy you are so funny." Like why would I want to lay down when I can hang out with my parents. They are SO big lately to us, that it makes us even more sad that they are leaving all the baby stages. I just pray it doesn't take long for us to have a baby once we can start trying. I try to be optimistic and think that it'll be easier with the girls a bit bigger. We walked around Toys 'R Us today to get ideas for what they want for Christmas. We are going to let the girls pick something out for each other this year and hopefully keep it secret. Probably RIGHT before Christmas so they don't spill the beans :).

Feeling nervous...

This wonderful, kind stranger has been so helpful to me the past couple weeks. I met her on a pregnancy loss board, and she had a partial molar pregnancy. She has e-mailed me information she had, her betas and how long it took for them to get to zero, and really has been so kind, and supportive. She's really helped me understand what's going on and the hope to try again. She was also 5 weeks pregnant when we started talking. I was excited that she had easily gotten pregnant again after the partial molar. Then, yesterday, she miscarried. The Dr. thinks it was ectopic, and is having her come back in next week. I felt like this affected me too, which is silly...but I'm so afraid of going through this again. I know that the odds are that I won't go through this again...it just so terrifying. I'm so sad for her, and pray that the doctors can figure out why she is going through this, and can help her in the future. I'm so blessed to have my girls...and can't imagine if I had to go through this with no children. Speaking of my girls...we had a great morning at the Mommy and Me today. The girls got to meet Wubbzy, from the cartoon on Noggin :)

Too early...

Too early this morning for the kind of talk Mikayla wanted to have ;). We are driving to school and out of no where she says "Mommy, can Jesus do anything?"
Me: Yes he can
Mikayla: Why?
Me: Because God's his Daddy, and he can do anything
Mikayla: because he was on the cross and now he protects me?
Me: yes
Mikayla: Is Jesus with Great Nannie, our baby, Aunt Alison's kitty?
Me: yes
Mikayla: ok.
Oh geez.
As hard as it is for me to understand all this, I can't imagine for a 3 year old. Her curiousity is wonderful, but I feel like on the topic of death I struggle for the right words. The other day she asked me why she couldn't see Great Nannie. I said because she was in Heaven. She asked me why, and I said because she was really really old and God needed her to come to Heaven. Then, on Saturday my baby brother turned 19. I said to Nelson I can't believe how OLD Joey is, and Mikayla heard me and said is Uncle Joe going to Heaven?!?! She was so worried. (Since I told her Nannie went because she was old and here Joey is now old). I told her no no no...you have to be older than Gigi and Pop Pop. She seemed ok with this answer. Brianna doesn't really get into conversations like this. They all started after the miscarriage, and I think she sees how upset I get whenever the baby is brought up so she steers clear of these topics. Mikayla is just really seeking answers....aren't we all.

Beautiful Day

Played a lot outside today, and then headed to a bouncy place for open play tonight with some friends. It was a really nice day. Here are some pictures...

numbers in

Got the call about my bloodwork yesterday. I'm at 45, was at 113 last week, so it is going down which is good. I was secretly hoping I'd already be at a 0. I have to go in next week :(. I heard a quote on ER last Thursday that's stayed with me:

"When you lose a spouse you are a widow, when you lose your parents you are an orphan, but when you lose a child there are just no words for that."

I talked with the girls' teacher today. Was having some issues, and basically they let the kids choose everything, and it drives me nuts. Choose if they put the smock on and ruin their clothes, choose if they do the art project of the day (so I have art from one kid and not the other), they choose if they wash their hands well (some days they come home with paint all on their arm) ugh. Trying to decide if the pros of the school out way the cons. I get that kids need to make choices, but I feel this is too much. They aren't in Pre-K they are in a 2's and 3's class. They have 2 more school years after this one before they go to Kindergarten!

Got my bounce back...

Well, today went better than I had expected. Went to the Dr., had my ultrasound first, and everything looked good. No residual tissue...which is great. My Dr. said as of January (after 2 cycles...hopefully end of Nov. I'll get my first and then end of Dec. for the 2nd) we can ttc again! Never have wanted to see AF rear her ugly face, but now I'm asking her to come for a week long visit now! LOL. My dr. seems really optimistic and I asked about coming in to get my hsg tested monthly and he said he doesn't feel it's necessary and doesn't want me to feel like we need to wait before having a baby. So, that was good to hear. The nurse hugged me on my out (I was crying, surprise surprise, and she asked about the girls...which always makes me smile) she's my favorite nurse there. Hope she's at my appt's when we get a BFP again.

I'm on a pregnancy loss message board that has been helpful...and so I've picked up a lot of their lingo (real quick: AF:Aunt Flo ;), ttc: try to conceive, BFP:Big Fat Positive)

I'm going to start going back to stories of my girls since that's what the purpose of this blog was in the first place. They are so wonderful. Amazing little people.

Great friendships

I got to see a lot of my closest friends this week. They all have gone back home now, and I already miss them. It wasn't enough time that's for sure...but the quality of time was great. Yesterday we went to the beach with my friend Alison and her husband, Bob. The girls had a blast. They could literally spend all day at the beach. They dug in the sand, built (well, really enjoyed destroying) sand castles, played tickle monster with their Uncle Bob while Aunt Alison kept them safe, found seashells, and had so much fun :). I love days like this. Here are some pictures....

Dr. called...

My hsg levels are at 113. I have to go in Monday for an ultrasound and to check my betas again. This sucks. I just want to be back to normal...with a light at the end of tunnel. That's all for now.

News

I was praying after our follow up today that this would be somewhat behind us, no such luck. The Dr. started off by saying your pathology report came in....I felt like I hit a pause button and my head was going crazy with thoughts. Why did they test when they said they weren't going to? Something must have looked really wrong for them to test. What is wrong??? So, I'm already crying when my Dr. goes on to tell me what they found. I had a partial molar on my placenta. The baby also had triple the chromosomes than normal. I was already scared to ttc after losing our baby, but with this news I am terrified. The Dr. said it's likely to not happen again. He also went on to say they will be monitoring my HCG levels to make sure they are going down. So, it's not over, I have to keep going back to this office that makes me now erupt in tears because of our memories of finding out we lost our baby there. I was hoping after today I wouldn't go back there until I had good news. Through my tears I told my Dr. I can't go through this again...and he said depending on my hcg levels I may need to wait 3 months before ttc again. I was so anxious to try to get pregnant sooner, but we'll do anything we need to do to have a healthy baby. Those of you that read this and pray...please pray my levels go down, and that we can have a healthy baby soon.

Not looking forward to this afternoon...

My follow up appt. is today. Hoping to feel some closure to this ordeal...but just dreading having to once again talk about and go through the emotions of what has happened and how I feel about it. I've been doing really well the past few days about being "ok". Today I told the girls their Grandma would watch them so Mommy can go to the Dr. Mikayla asked if it was because they'd have a baby really soon. UGH. I said, no, where did our baby go? Then, Mikayla said the baby is in Heaven. Hopefully in '09 we'll have good news to share with the girls who almost want to be a big sister as much as their Mommy wants to complete our family with a very special baby.

It's been a whirlwind of a weekend with friends in town and lots of fun things to do.

Here's a picture of my favorite girls :) (well, besides my beautiful children)...

Change, Ch Cha Cha Change...

Got my hair cut tonight. I really like it. It was a woman from my multiples group who cut it...my first time going to her. I walk in and she says (wait for it)...Congratulations!!! I said, um, no. Then, she inserted her foot into her mouth..ok, not really. UGH. I thought I had e-mailed everyone that knew, but man does word get around fast. So then I told her what happened it was the first time I didn't cry. She had been through so many failed IVF's that I kind of felt like she had been through more than me so I couldn't cry. I'm sure I'll take pictures with my fabulous friends who will be here this weekend. So I'll post a picture soon. The girls liked it, Mikayla kept asking me to pose for pictures (but she took them with her fake camera ;) ).

Tomorrow I'm going out to eat with friends, and Anna will be here late tomorrow night, Saturday is Sara's shower and I get to see Alison and Alison! We're all going out Saturday night and my girls are having a sleepover at Grandma and Grandpa's. I'm really excited about time with friends. I'm out of my hermit crab status....all I wanted to do the past week was stay home...but I'm trying to feel optimistic about God's plans for us for '09. It's got to be a good year!

My sweet sweet girls

We pray every night before the girls go to bed. Tonight, Brianna prayed for the baby. I asked what baby, because we always pray for our friends who are expecting, and she says so and so's baby. Well, tonight she said, "Mommy, our baby in Heaven". I of course start crying (which I try not to in front of them...but this week has been very difficult). She hugged me and said, "don't worry I'm your baby forever and ever". Seriously. I have the best daughter's in the whole world. They are so compassionate, and I pray that they stay sweet with a pure heart and love God.

We have friend's coming into town this weekend. I'm so excited. I really need some quality friend time with my closest girls. The picture is of Brianna with my sister, Cortney. I think they look a lot alike here. It's funny my immediate family who can easily tell the girls apart always say Brianna looks more like me (she so has Nelson's personality though ;) )...and Mikayla looks exactly like Nelson (with my personality). Even though they are identical their facial expressions can be different...Brianna's eyes are different from Mikayla's. I think their smiles are a little different too. So funny how different they are, yet so many people can't tell them apart....not even their teachers and it's November!

Watching the Island reunion on MTV tonight...I so love these trashy reality shows ;)

I ordered this necklace today. It was from a pregnancy loss site, actually called LaBelleDame. The winding circle represents pregnancy and unending love, and the rose quartz heart symbolizes the love, and the stone is suppossed to be for emotional healing. I think it will help to have something special for our baby since there was so much love there already.

On a less sad note... (well, we'll see ;) ) We went and voted this morning. The girls were so excited...and then kind of disappointed. They thought they would see Obama actually at the polls. It was so cute. We walked in and Brianna said, "Where's Obama?!?" Nelson told her he was in Indiana, and she seemed satisfied ;). Can't wait to hear who our president will be...I'm expecting only good things for '09 since we had a crappy ending to '08.

Too smart...

So obviously since this is my 2nd post in one day it's been a difficult day. This morning I was feeling down and the girls were playing "house". Mikayla came up to me and asked me if she was still a Big Sister. I said...well, you are a twin sister. She then said "I wish there was going to be a baby and I was a big sister". Brianna then, as I was getting teary eyed, ran up to me and said, "Mommy I'm your baby". As much as this affects Nelson and I it really affects the girls too. I hate that they have to go through this. They are going to make the most amazing big sisters someday. We definitely won't say anything when we get pregnant again until we are in the safe zone. I pray it won't be so long until we are there.

Angry

I should be celebrating today. I should be entering into the 2nd trimester today. Instead I'm reminded that tomorrow will be a week since I found out there's no baby any longer. I feel stabbing reminders daily (I know it's only been a week), but I so want to just feel whole again...instead of empty. Yesterday Mikayla told me she missed the baby in my tummy, and I just started bawling, and told her Mommy did too. I've been ok when I'm on the go...but then while out or while trying to have fun the thought of everything is still right there with me. I don't think I'll really be ok until we get pregnant again and it's a viable healthy pregnancy. Who knows when that will be. I can't even try until end of December...I'm praying I get a period in a month and my cycle is normal. Hopefully it doesn't take too long...and then hopefully I'm super sick and have all the horrible/wonderful pregnancy symptoms...and that 13 weeks goes quickly.

Such a huge loss

On September 4th we found out we were expecting a baby. We felt so much joy, and told so many people. Then when we went in for an ultrasound at 12 weeks 10/28/08, there was no heartbeat. The ultrasound tech knew beforehand. My mom and my girls were there to see the baby too, and she told them not to come in. We had an ultrasound at 10 weeks, 10/10/08, the baby measured 8 weeks 2 days, the baby had a great heartbeat (171). The Dr. said our dates were off or it could be one of 100 other reasons. He never gave us any indication that we could lose this baby. I was so unprepared. This happens to 1 out of 5 women. That's too high of a number. In every pregnancy there is a 15-20% chance of miscarriage. I feel so blessed to have my daughters...lots of people endure miscarriages, and don't have a child...let alone two perfect healthy children. They definitely have been a light throughout all this darkness.

We already loved this baby. We thought it was the perfect timing for our family. I'm praying God has a better time for a healthy baby to come into our lives. I know He does...it's just so hard. I am already neurotic when I'm pregnant...so I can't imagine how I'll be when there's a next time.

Nelson has been amazing though everything. God really blessed me with this perfect man. Praying for me to emotionally heal...praying for a future with a viable, healthy pregnancy, praying my girls never endure this pain, praying my friends never go through this and if they already have that they never have to again, praying that I can trust God with ttc again someday, praying my eyes stop burning from all this crying.

Update

It's been so long since I've posted. Not sure anyone reads this, but nevertheless, a good outlet for me :). The girls are closer to THREE. Crazy. They talk about their birthday constantly you'd think it was tomorrow.

They were flowergirls in my best friend, Alison's, wedding this past March. I might be a little biased, but they were the cutest flower girls ever :). One of my other best friends, Sara is expecting! It's so exciting. In our circle from high school I'm the only one with kids, so I can't wait for someone close to me to become a Mommy!

The girls start preschool next month...every Tues and Thurs. from 9-12. I'm excited! We have moved and the girls are in big girl beds. They are doing so well.

10 years

Tomorrow will be 10 years since my Nannie passed away. My Nannie is my maternal grandmother. It is so strange. At each milestone in my life I have gotten emotional wishing she was there. She missed my wedding and the birth of my twin girls. I know she is with us, and I do feel her from time to time...but, it's not the same as talking to her. I have her old rocking chair in my home, and I tell my girls it's their Great Nannie's chair. It touched my heart when a couple weeks later they ran to the rocker and said Great Nannie's! I hope to tell my children all about her, and about my relationship with her. She was a wonderful Nannie, and had so much love for me.