36

My levels are at 36. I go back in on the 9th :(. Today is also a month since our ultrasound showing we lost our baby.

In less depressing news...we did have a nice Thanksgiving...and today I shopped till I dropped with my sister and youngest brother. Then, met friends up at Hyde Park's tree lighting. Hoping the girls sleep in after a busy day...but I doubt that will happen :).

daily reminders...

Had more blood drawn today. I'll get the results on Friday. Praying I'm at 0, but the Dr. says he expects it to drop half of what it was last week, so that would be 20. If I'm above 10 I have to come in next week...and if I'm below 10 I can wait until the end of December. I wish I could move past all of this, but with the constant trips to check my levels, and the constant reminders all around me it's so hard.

Tonight we were talking to the girls about Thanksgiving, and I asked them what they were thankful for...they were in quite the moods and I was VERY ready to put them to bed. They both replied at the same time to my question by saying, "Nothing". I was so upset! I sat them down and told them they have so much to be thankful for and they had to list 3 things right then or Santa would see them being naughty. (whatever will work, right?) Well, right then Mikayla said 1. God 2. Jesus 3. Our baby in Heaven. Don't know if she was working me (they are 3 and already know what buttons of mine to push)....but I truly think this was sincere because of how quickly she said her 3 thankful things. Brianna went 2nd so she said 1. Teddy's 2. God and 3 Our baby. They really are the sweetest girls. I have so much to be thankful for...I pray next year I can add another healthy pregnancy to the list of things I'm thankful for.

SO ADORABLE...

I had to hop on the computer and type this out before I forgot any of it...

So, I'm driving with my girlies this afternoon and Brianna out of nowhere says, "Mommy I love you. You are cool dude." I said, "OH, I love you!" Then, she said, "You are just perfect." !!! (I say this to them a lot) So so super sweet. They say I love you out of the blue all the time now, and it feel so sincere since it's not just after I tell them I love them. It's just the best.

In the same car ride I got frustrated with traffic when I had to make a Uturn, and said something like, "There's so much traffic I'll never be able to turn". Mikayla in her many statements that are beyond her years, says, "Mommy take a deep breath." Seriously?!?!? It was so funny.

We had a fabulous weekend. Two of my friends are really into garage sales, and since money is tight lately I've decided to see what all the hype's about ;). We went out last Saturday morning and I found a real $5 LV purse!! Then, this past Saturday I told the girls I'd find something for them and for $1 I got them an Asian barbie with a kimono and everything, she's beautiful...and I found a set of 4 Pooh books for $1 :). It was very exciting :). On Sunday we headed to Disney where it's hard to be thrifty, but we had a great time...and seeing Santa was free! The girls were so excited and told him what they wanted and had no fear going up to him! Such big girls...ugh...I told them today I want to put them in a bubble so they stop growing, and Mikayla said, "Mommy I'm just growing up a little bit". Well, ok then :).

Joke

My daughters are hilarious. Today Mikayla told me a joke that she made up, and it was SO funny!!

Mikayla: Mommy how do monsters count to 15?
Me: I don't know, how?
Mikayla: They use their fingers!
Me and Mikayla: LOL!!!!

It was so cute!!! Mikayla is my deep thinker and story teller. Brianna has Nelson's wit, and silliness :). Today Nelson told her she needed to lay down after Mikayla was already napping, and Brianna said, "Daddy you are so funny." Like why would I want to lay down when I can hang out with my parents. They are SO big lately to us, that it makes us even more sad that they are leaving all the baby stages. I just pray it doesn't take long for us to have a baby once we can start trying. I try to be optimistic and think that it'll be easier with the girls a bit bigger. We walked around Toys 'R Us today to get ideas for what they want for Christmas. We are going to let the girls pick something out for each other this year and hopefully keep it secret. Probably RIGHT before Christmas so they don't spill the beans :).

Feeling nervous...

This wonderful, kind stranger has been so helpful to me the past couple weeks. I met her on a pregnancy loss board, and she had a partial molar pregnancy. She has e-mailed me information she had, her betas and how long it took for them to get to zero, and really has been so kind, and supportive. She's really helped me understand what's going on and the hope to try again. She was also 5 weeks pregnant when we started talking. I was excited that she had easily gotten pregnant again after the partial molar. Then, yesterday, she miscarried. The Dr. thinks it was ectopic, and is having her come back in next week. I felt like this affected me too, which is silly...but I'm so afraid of going through this again. I know that the odds are that I won't go through this again...it just so terrifying. I'm so sad for her, and pray that the doctors can figure out why she is going through this, and can help her in the future. I'm so blessed to have my girls...and can't imagine if I had to go through this with no children. Speaking of my girls...we had a great morning at the Mommy and Me today. The girls got to meet Wubbzy, from the cartoon on Noggin :)

Too early...

Too early this morning for the kind of talk Mikayla wanted to have ;). We are driving to school and out of no where she says "Mommy, can Jesus do anything?"
Me: Yes he can
Mikayla: Why?
Me: Because God's his Daddy, and he can do anything
Mikayla: because he was on the cross and now he protects me?
Me: yes
Mikayla: Is Jesus with Great Nannie, our baby, Aunt Alison's kitty?
Me: yes
Mikayla: ok.
Oh geez.
As hard as it is for me to understand all this, I can't imagine for a 3 year old. Her curiousity is wonderful, but I feel like on the topic of death I struggle for the right words. The other day she asked me why she couldn't see Great Nannie. I said because she was in Heaven. She asked me why, and I said because she was really really old and God needed her to come to Heaven. Then, on Saturday my baby brother turned 19. I said to Nelson I can't believe how OLD Joey is, and Mikayla heard me and said is Uncle Joe going to Heaven?!?! She was so worried. (Since I told her Nannie went because she was old and here Joey is now old). I told her no no no...you have to be older than Gigi and Pop Pop. She seemed ok with this answer. Brianna doesn't really get into conversations like this. They all started after the miscarriage, and I think she sees how upset I get whenever the baby is brought up so she steers clear of these topics. Mikayla is just really seeking answers....aren't we all.

Beautiful Day

Played a lot outside today, and then headed to a bouncy place for open play tonight with some friends. It was a really nice day. Here are some pictures...

numbers in

Got the call about my bloodwork yesterday. I'm at 45, was at 113 last week, so it is going down which is good. I was secretly hoping I'd already be at a 0. I have to go in next week :(. I heard a quote on ER last Thursday that's stayed with me:

"When you lose a spouse you are a widow, when you lose your parents you are an orphan, but when you lose a child there are just no words for that."

I talked with the girls' teacher today. Was having some issues, and basically they let the kids choose everything, and it drives me nuts. Choose if they put the smock on and ruin their clothes, choose if they do the art project of the day (so I have art from one kid and not the other), they choose if they wash their hands well (some days they come home with paint all on their arm) ugh. Trying to decide if the pros of the school out way the cons. I get that kids need to make choices, but I feel this is too much. They aren't in Pre-K they are in a 2's and 3's class. They have 2 more school years after this one before they go to Kindergarten!

Got my bounce back...

Well, today went better than I had expected. Went to the Dr., had my ultrasound first, and everything looked good. No residual tissue...which is great. My Dr. said as of January (after 2 cycles...hopefully end of Nov. I'll get my first and then end of Dec. for the 2nd) we can ttc again! Never have wanted to see AF rear her ugly face, but now I'm asking her to come for a week long visit now! LOL. My dr. seems really optimistic and I asked about coming in to get my hsg tested monthly and he said he doesn't feel it's necessary and doesn't want me to feel like we need to wait before having a baby. So, that was good to hear. The nurse hugged me on my out (I was crying, surprise surprise, and she asked about the girls...which always makes me smile) she's my favorite nurse there. Hope she's at my appt's when we get a BFP again.

I'm on a pregnancy loss message board that has been helpful...and so I've picked up a lot of their lingo (real quick: AF:Aunt Flo ;), ttc: try to conceive, BFP:Big Fat Positive)

I'm going to start going back to stories of my girls since that's what the purpose of this blog was in the first place. They are so wonderful. Amazing little people.

Great friendships

I got to see a lot of my closest friends this week. They all have gone back home now, and I already miss them. It wasn't enough time that's for sure...but the quality of time was great. Yesterday we went to the beach with my friend Alison and her husband, Bob. The girls had a blast. They could literally spend all day at the beach. They dug in the sand, built (well, really enjoyed destroying) sand castles, played tickle monster with their Uncle Bob while Aunt Alison kept them safe, found seashells, and had so much fun :). I love days like this. Here are some pictures....

Dr. called...

My hsg levels are at 113. I have to go in Monday for an ultrasound and to check my betas again. This sucks. I just want to be back to normal...with a light at the end of tunnel. That's all for now.

News

I was praying after our follow up today that this would be somewhat behind us, no such luck. The Dr. started off by saying your pathology report came in....I felt like I hit a pause button and my head was going crazy with thoughts. Why did they test when they said they weren't going to? Something must have looked really wrong for them to test. What is wrong??? So, I'm already crying when my Dr. goes on to tell me what they found. I had a partial molar on my placenta. The baby also had triple the chromosomes than normal. I was already scared to ttc after losing our baby, but with this news I am terrified. The Dr. said it's likely to not happen again. He also went on to say they will be monitoring my HCG levels to make sure they are going down. So, it's not over, I have to keep going back to this office that makes me now erupt in tears because of our memories of finding out we lost our baby there. I was hoping after today I wouldn't go back there until I had good news. Through my tears I told my Dr. I can't go through this again...and he said depending on my hcg levels I may need to wait 3 months before ttc again. I was so anxious to try to get pregnant sooner, but we'll do anything we need to do to have a healthy baby. Those of you that read this and pray...please pray my levels go down, and that we can have a healthy baby soon.

Not looking forward to this afternoon...

My follow up appt. is today. Hoping to feel some closure to this ordeal...but just dreading having to once again talk about and go through the emotions of what has happened and how I feel about it. I've been doing really well the past few days about being "ok". Today I told the girls their Grandma would watch them so Mommy can go to the Dr. Mikayla asked if it was because they'd have a baby really soon. UGH. I said, no, where did our baby go? Then, Mikayla said the baby is in Heaven. Hopefully in '09 we'll have good news to share with the girls who almost want to be a big sister as much as their Mommy wants to complete our family with a very special baby.

It's been a whirlwind of a weekend with friends in town and lots of fun things to do.

Here's a picture of my favorite girls :) (well, besides my beautiful children)...

Change, Ch Cha Cha Change...

Got my hair cut tonight. I really like it. It was a woman from my multiples group who cut it...my first time going to her. I walk in and she says (wait for it)...Congratulations!!! I said, um, no. Then, she inserted her foot into her mouth..ok, not really. UGH. I thought I had e-mailed everyone that knew, but man does word get around fast. So then I told her what happened it was the first time I didn't cry. She had been through so many failed IVF's that I kind of felt like she had been through more than me so I couldn't cry. I'm sure I'll take pictures with my fabulous friends who will be here this weekend. So I'll post a picture soon. The girls liked it, Mikayla kept asking me to pose for pictures (but she took them with her fake camera ;) ).

Tomorrow I'm going out to eat with friends, and Anna will be here late tomorrow night, Saturday is Sara's shower and I get to see Alison and Alison! We're all going out Saturday night and my girls are having a sleepover at Grandma and Grandpa's. I'm really excited about time with friends. I'm out of my hermit crab status....all I wanted to do the past week was stay home...but I'm trying to feel optimistic about God's plans for us for '09. It's got to be a good year!

My sweet sweet girls

We pray every night before the girls go to bed. Tonight, Brianna prayed for the baby. I asked what baby, because we always pray for our friends who are expecting, and she says so and so's baby. Well, tonight she said, "Mommy, our baby in Heaven". I of course start crying (which I try not to in front of them...but this week has been very difficult). She hugged me and said, "don't worry I'm your baby forever and ever". Seriously. I have the best daughter's in the whole world. They are so compassionate, and I pray that they stay sweet with a pure heart and love God.

We have friend's coming into town this weekend. I'm so excited. I really need some quality friend time with my closest girls. The picture is of Brianna with my sister, Cortney. I think they look a lot alike here. It's funny my immediate family who can easily tell the girls apart always say Brianna looks more like me (she so has Nelson's personality though ;) )...and Mikayla looks exactly like Nelson (with my personality). Even though they are identical their facial expressions can be different...Brianna's eyes are different from Mikayla's. I think their smiles are a little different too. So funny how different they are, yet so many people can't tell them apart....not even their teachers and it's November!

Watching the Island reunion on MTV tonight...I so love these trashy reality shows ;)

I ordered this necklace today. It was from a pregnancy loss site, actually called LaBelleDame. The winding circle represents pregnancy and unending love, and the rose quartz heart symbolizes the love, and the stone is suppossed to be for emotional healing. I think it will help to have something special for our baby since there was so much love there already.

On a less sad note... (well, we'll see ;) ) We went and voted this morning. The girls were so excited...and then kind of disappointed. They thought they would see Obama actually at the polls. It was so cute. We walked in and Brianna said, "Where's Obama?!?" Nelson told her he was in Indiana, and she seemed satisfied ;). Can't wait to hear who our president will be...I'm expecting only good things for '09 since we had a crappy ending to '08.

Too smart...

So obviously since this is my 2nd post in one day it's been a difficult day. This morning I was feeling down and the girls were playing "house". Mikayla came up to me and asked me if she was still a Big Sister. I said...well, you are a twin sister. She then said "I wish there was going to be a baby and I was a big sister". Brianna then, as I was getting teary eyed, ran up to me and said, "Mommy I'm your baby". As much as this affects Nelson and I it really affects the girls too. I hate that they have to go through this. They are going to make the most amazing big sisters someday. We definitely won't say anything when we get pregnant again until we are in the safe zone. I pray it won't be so long until we are there.

Angry

I should be celebrating today. I should be entering into the 2nd trimester today. Instead I'm reminded that tomorrow will be a week since I found out there's no baby any longer. I feel stabbing reminders daily (I know it's only been a week), but I so want to just feel whole again...instead of empty. Yesterday Mikayla told me she missed the baby in my tummy, and I just started bawling, and told her Mommy did too. I've been ok when I'm on the go...but then while out or while trying to have fun the thought of everything is still right there with me. I don't think I'll really be ok until we get pregnant again and it's a viable healthy pregnancy. Who knows when that will be. I can't even try until end of December...I'm praying I get a period in a month and my cycle is normal. Hopefully it doesn't take too long...and then hopefully I'm super sick and have all the horrible/wonderful pregnancy symptoms...and that 13 weeks goes quickly.