Angry

I should be celebrating today. I should be entering into the 2nd trimester today. Instead I'm reminded that tomorrow will be a week since I found out there's no baby any longer. I feel stabbing reminders daily (I know it's only been a week), but I so want to just feel whole again...instead of empty. Yesterday Mikayla told me she missed the baby in my tummy, and I just started bawling, and told her Mommy did too. I've been ok when I'm on the go...but then while out or while trying to have fun the thought of everything is still right there with me. I don't think I'll really be ok until we get pregnant again and it's a viable healthy pregnancy. Who knows when that will be. I can't even try until end of December...I'm praying I get a period in a month and my cycle is normal. Hopefully it doesn't take too long...and then hopefully I'm super sick and have all the horrible/wonderful pregnancy symptoms...and that 13 weeks goes quickly.

Such a huge loss

On September 4th we found out we were expecting a baby. We felt so much joy, and told so many people. Then when we went in for an ultrasound at 12 weeks 10/28/08, there was no heartbeat. The ultrasound tech knew beforehand. My mom and my girls were there to see the baby too, and she told them not to come in. We had an ultrasound at 10 weeks, 10/10/08, the baby measured 8 weeks 2 days, the baby had a great heartbeat (171). The Dr. said our dates were off or it could be one of 100 other reasons. He never gave us any indication that we could lose this baby. I was so unprepared. This happens to 1 out of 5 women. That's too high of a number. In every pregnancy there is a 15-20% chance of miscarriage. I feel so blessed to have my daughters...lots of people endure miscarriages, and don't have a child...let alone two perfect healthy children. They definitely have been a light throughout all this darkness.

We already loved this baby. We thought it was the perfect timing for our family. I'm praying God has a better time for a healthy baby to come into our lives. I know He does...it's just so hard. I am already neurotic when I'm pregnant...so I can't imagine how I'll be when there's a next time.

Nelson has been amazing though everything. God really blessed me with this perfect man. Praying for me to emotionally heal...praying for a future with a viable, healthy pregnancy, praying my girls never endure this pain, praying my friends never go through this and if they already have that they never have to again, praying that I can trust God with ttc again someday, praying my eyes stop burning from all this crying.

Update

It's been so long since I've posted. Not sure anyone reads this, but nevertheless, a good outlet for me :). The girls are closer to THREE. Crazy. They talk about their birthday constantly you'd think it was tomorrow.

They were flowergirls in my best friend, Alison's, wedding this past March. I might be a little biased, but they were the cutest flower girls ever :). One of my other best friends, Sara is expecting! It's so exciting. In our circle from high school I'm the only one with kids, so I can't wait for someone close to me to become a Mommy!

The girls start preschool next month...every Tues and Thurs. from 9-12. I'm excited! We have moved and the girls are in big girl beds. They are doing so well.

10 years

Tomorrow will be 10 years since my Nannie passed away. My Nannie is my maternal grandmother. It is so strange. At each milestone in my life I have gotten emotional wishing she was there. She missed my wedding and the birth of my twin girls. I know she is with us, and I do feel her from time to time...but, it's not the same as talking to her. I have her old rocking chair in my home, and I tell my girls it's their Great Nannie's chair. It touched my heart when a couple weeks later they ran to the rocker and said Great Nannie's! I hope to tell my children all about her, and about my relationship with her. She was a wonderful Nannie, and had so much love for me.

Almost Christmas!!!

UPDATE:

Well, my girls are fabulous. Some days they are very typically TWO! Most of the time they are sweet sweet sweet, well-mannered beautiful beings, that I look at awe with and can't believe I helped make!!! Anywho...


Mikayla, my techinically first born daughter seems to be falling the trend of the typical first born. She's a rules follower (usually), she's mommy's helper, a huge Daddy's girl, When sick or sad though only mommy will do. She follows her sister's command, but if she has a strong idea watch out there's no stopping her! She says please, thank you and your welcome when she is suppossed to, and is so so loving. Her verbal skills REALLY amaze me. When Brianna was repeating every word, and Mikayla was sitting back quietly it was because she was taking EVERYTHING in. Now everything is in a sentence, and she asks questions all the time. She's amazing.

Brianna, is my undeniably cute girl who likes everyone to know she's mommy's baby. She loves being cuddled...but also is a leader. She is always planning and thinking and is quite the character! In other words, she can be a DRAMA queen :). She loves being a little mommy to babies we see. She also has an unbelievable memory. She brings up things from so long ago and wants to talk about things she has done. She also deeply loves her family and is always asking about her extended family.

Happy Halloween!!

I have decided since I'm not great at "blogging". I am going to do a monthly update. I'll try every 30th or 31st to update.

So here's this months....My girls are TWO. Unbelievable still to me, and they've been two for 3 weeks now! They are wonderful. Saying so many sentences. Their verbal skills amaze me. I'm working a lot on fine motor with them, because they aren't into coloring, and they still need help with feeding themselves with silverware. They seem like they don't have fine motor issues, they just don't want to do it. Luckily I have my background in Early Childhood Education, so I know strategies to help them with this. We'll see if it works :). Mikayla is jumping all over the place which is a great gross motor development to be able to do now. Brianna's almost there with jumping. They just light up my life.

They are Minnie Mouse for Halloween, and so so cute. The love the fact that they get candy. So exciting since candy isn't a treat they usually get :).

The girls had a great b-day party at a local park. It was a fish theme with a bouncy house, fishy decorated cupcakes, and lots of friends! That's are update for now....I'll let you know what happens in November ;).
~~Tiffany

I can't believe it's the end of June already. Last week was really busy. Nelson and I celebrated our 4 year anniversary. Our friends, Sara and Dan, got married on Saturday. They really are great together and it was really nice being part of their big day.

The girls are going through quite the stage. They really are pushing all my buttons. They say "no" to everything, they have this new SHRIEK, they are just wild at times. I do discipline, but disciplining toddlers is not easy. Oh my, I hope I get through this time in one piece ;). They are just too smart for their own good. I also think because they are so verbal it gets hard. They have so much they want to say and can say that they are loud all day long.

Nelson and I took them to their first movie today. We saw about 15 min. of Happy Feet. We had to get there 30 min. early since it was a free movie. So they actually sat 45 min. The movie just wasn't a very fast start...so it didn't keep their attention. We are going to try again when they show Barnyard. We'll see. I love doing new things with them. I took pictures at the movies...yes, I am that mom. I'll be crying and taking pictures when they go to kindergarten...and every other milestone in their lives. Makes me tear up thinking about kindergarten!

It's so weird how they were both growing in my tummy at the same time, born at the same time, look so much alike, and are SO different. Brianna is "the baby". Acts like it too, but definitely a leader, and mischevious. She is a big Mama's girl, a picky eater, a smile that's contagious, and a big talker...will repeat anything you say. Mikayla, is my sweet nurturing girl. She's a Daddy's girl, loves food, loves baby dolls, has a stubborn side, is a deep thinker, and has a laugh that could make your day! Everyone keeps saying they are almost 2! I am SO not ready for that. It's 4 months away...NOT almost here ;)

OK~Going to run...I'll try to post soon.