36

My levels are at 36. I go back in on the 9th :(. Today is also a month since our ultrasound showing we lost our baby.

In less depressing news...we did have a nice Thanksgiving...and today I shopped till I dropped with my sister and youngest brother. Then, met friends up at Hyde Park's tree lighting. Hoping the girls sleep in after a busy day...but I doubt that will happen :).

daily reminders...

Had more blood drawn today. I'll get the results on Friday. Praying I'm at 0, but the Dr. says he expects it to drop half of what it was last week, so that would be 20. If I'm above 10 I have to come in next week...and if I'm below 10 I can wait until the end of December. I wish I could move past all of this, but with the constant trips to check my levels, and the constant reminders all around me it's so hard.

Tonight we were talking to the girls about Thanksgiving, and I asked them what they were thankful for...they were in quite the moods and I was VERY ready to put them to bed. They both replied at the same time to my question by saying, "Nothing". I was so upset! I sat them down and told them they have so much to be thankful for and they had to list 3 things right then or Santa would see them being naughty. (whatever will work, right?) Well, right then Mikayla said 1. God 2. Jesus 3. Our baby in Heaven. Don't know if she was working me (they are 3 and already know what buttons of mine to push)....but I truly think this was sincere because of how quickly she said her 3 thankful things. Brianna went 2nd so she said 1. Teddy's 2. God and 3 Our baby. They really are the sweetest girls. I have so much to be thankful for...I pray next year I can add another healthy pregnancy to the list of things I'm thankful for.

SO ADORABLE...

I had to hop on the computer and type this out before I forgot any of it...

So, I'm driving with my girlies this afternoon and Brianna out of nowhere says, "Mommy I love you. You are cool dude." I said, "OH, I love you!" Then, she said, "You are just perfect." !!! (I say this to them a lot) So so super sweet. They say I love you out of the blue all the time now, and it feel so sincere since it's not just after I tell them I love them. It's just the best.

In the same car ride I got frustrated with traffic when I had to make a Uturn, and said something like, "There's so much traffic I'll never be able to turn". Mikayla in her many statements that are beyond her years, says, "Mommy take a deep breath." Seriously?!?!? It was so funny.

We had a fabulous weekend. Two of my friends are really into garage sales, and since money is tight lately I've decided to see what all the hype's about ;). We went out last Saturday morning and I found a real $5 LV purse!! Then, this past Saturday I told the girls I'd find something for them and for $1 I got them an Asian barbie with a kimono and everything, she's beautiful...and I found a set of 4 Pooh books for $1 :). It was very exciting :). On Sunday we headed to Disney where it's hard to be thrifty, but we had a great time...and seeing Santa was free! The girls were so excited and told him what they wanted and had no fear going up to him! Such big girls...ugh...I told them today I want to put them in a bubble so they stop growing, and Mikayla said, "Mommy I'm just growing up a little bit". Well, ok then :).

Joke

My daughters are hilarious. Today Mikayla told me a joke that she made up, and it was SO funny!!

Mikayla: Mommy how do monsters count to 15?
Me: I don't know, how?
Mikayla: They use their fingers!
Me and Mikayla: LOL!!!!

It was so cute!!! Mikayla is my deep thinker and story teller. Brianna has Nelson's wit, and silliness :). Today Nelson told her she needed to lay down after Mikayla was already napping, and Brianna said, "Daddy you are so funny." Like why would I want to lay down when I can hang out with my parents. They are SO big lately to us, that it makes us even more sad that they are leaving all the baby stages. I just pray it doesn't take long for us to have a baby once we can start trying. I try to be optimistic and think that it'll be easier with the girls a bit bigger. We walked around Toys 'R Us today to get ideas for what they want for Christmas. We are going to let the girls pick something out for each other this year and hopefully keep it secret. Probably RIGHT before Christmas so they don't spill the beans :).

Feeling nervous...

This wonderful, kind stranger has been so helpful to me the past couple weeks. I met her on a pregnancy loss board, and she had a partial molar pregnancy. She has e-mailed me information she had, her betas and how long it took for them to get to zero, and really has been so kind, and supportive. She's really helped me understand what's going on and the hope to try again. She was also 5 weeks pregnant when we started talking. I was excited that she had easily gotten pregnant again after the partial molar. Then, yesterday, she miscarried. The Dr. thinks it was ectopic, and is having her come back in next week. I felt like this affected me too, which is silly...but I'm so afraid of going through this again. I know that the odds are that I won't go through this again...it just so terrifying. I'm so sad for her, and pray that the doctors can figure out why she is going through this, and can help her in the future. I'm so blessed to have my girls...and can't imagine if I had to go through this with no children. Speaking of my girls...we had a great morning at the Mommy and Me today. The girls got to meet Wubbzy, from the cartoon on Noggin :)

Too early...

Too early this morning for the kind of talk Mikayla wanted to have ;). We are driving to school and out of no where she says "Mommy, can Jesus do anything?"
Me: Yes he can
Mikayla: Why?
Me: Because God's his Daddy, and he can do anything
Mikayla: because he was on the cross and now he protects me?
Me: yes
Mikayla: Is Jesus with Great Nannie, our baby, Aunt Alison's kitty?
Me: yes
Mikayla: ok.
Oh geez.
As hard as it is for me to understand all this, I can't imagine for a 3 year old. Her curiousity is wonderful, but I feel like on the topic of death I struggle for the right words. The other day she asked me why she couldn't see Great Nannie. I said because she was in Heaven. She asked me why, and I said because she was really really old and God needed her to come to Heaven. Then, on Saturday my baby brother turned 19. I said to Nelson I can't believe how OLD Joey is, and Mikayla heard me and said is Uncle Joe going to Heaven?!?! She was so worried. (Since I told her Nannie went because she was old and here Joey is now old). I told her no no no...you have to be older than Gigi and Pop Pop. She seemed ok with this answer. Brianna doesn't really get into conversations like this. They all started after the miscarriage, and I think she sees how upset I get whenever the baby is brought up so she steers clear of these topics. Mikayla is just really seeking answers....aren't we all.

Beautiful Day

Played a lot outside today, and then headed to a bouncy place for open play tonight with some friends. It was a really nice day. Here are some pictures...