Feeling nervous...

This wonderful, kind stranger has been so helpful to me the past couple weeks. I met her on a pregnancy loss board, and she had a partial molar pregnancy. She has e-mailed me information she had, her betas and how long it took for them to get to zero, and really has been so kind, and supportive. She's really helped me understand what's going on and the hope to try again. She was also 5 weeks pregnant when we started talking. I was excited that she had easily gotten pregnant again after the partial molar. Then, yesterday, she miscarried. The Dr. thinks it was ectopic, and is having her come back in next week. I felt like this affected me too, which is silly...but I'm so afraid of going through this again. I know that the odds are that I won't go through this again...it just so terrifying. I'm so sad for her, and pray that the doctors can figure out why she is going through this, and can help her in the future. I'm so blessed to have my girls...and can't imagine if I had to go through this with no children. Speaking of my girls...we had a great morning at the Mommy and Me today. The girls got to meet Wubbzy, from the cartoon on Noggin :)

Too early...

Too early this morning for the kind of talk Mikayla wanted to have ;). We are driving to school and out of no where she says "Mommy, can Jesus do anything?"
Me: Yes he can
Mikayla: Why?
Me: Because God's his Daddy, and he can do anything
Mikayla: because he was on the cross and now he protects me?
Me: yes
Mikayla: Is Jesus with Great Nannie, our baby, Aunt Alison's kitty?
Me: yes
Mikayla: ok.
Oh geez.
As hard as it is for me to understand all this, I can't imagine for a 3 year old. Her curiousity is wonderful, but I feel like on the topic of death I struggle for the right words. The other day she asked me why she couldn't see Great Nannie. I said because she was in Heaven. She asked me why, and I said because she was really really old and God needed her to come to Heaven. Then, on Saturday my baby brother turned 19. I said to Nelson I can't believe how OLD Joey is, and Mikayla heard me and said is Uncle Joe going to Heaven?!?! She was so worried. (Since I told her Nannie went because she was old and here Joey is now old). I told her no no no...you have to be older than Gigi and Pop Pop. She seemed ok with this answer. Brianna doesn't really get into conversations like this. They all started after the miscarriage, and I think she sees how upset I get whenever the baby is brought up so she steers clear of these topics. Mikayla is just really seeking answers....aren't we all.

Beautiful Day

Played a lot outside today, and then headed to a bouncy place for open play tonight with some friends. It was a really nice day. Here are some pictures...

numbers in

Got the call about my bloodwork yesterday. I'm at 45, was at 113 last week, so it is going down which is good. I was secretly hoping I'd already be at a 0. I have to go in next week :(. I heard a quote on ER last Thursday that's stayed with me:

"When you lose a spouse you are a widow, when you lose your parents you are an orphan, but when you lose a child there are just no words for that."

I talked with the girls' teacher today. Was having some issues, and basically they let the kids choose everything, and it drives me nuts. Choose if they put the smock on and ruin their clothes, choose if they do the art project of the day (so I have art from one kid and not the other), they choose if they wash their hands well (some days they come home with paint all on their arm) ugh. Trying to decide if the pros of the school out way the cons. I get that kids need to make choices, but I feel this is too much. They aren't in Pre-K they are in a 2's and 3's class. They have 2 more school years after this one before they go to Kindergarten!

Got my bounce back...

Well, today went better than I had expected. Went to the Dr., had my ultrasound first, and everything looked good. No residual tissue...which is great. My Dr. said as of January (after 2 cycles...hopefully end of Nov. I'll get my first and then end of Dec. for the 2nd) we can ttc again! Never have wanted to see AF rear her ugly face, but now I'm asking her to come for a week long visit now! LOL. My dr. seems really optimistic and I asked about coming in to get my hsg tested monthly and he said he doesn't feel it's necessary and doesn't want me to feel like we need to wait before having a baby. So, that was good to hear. The nurse hugged me on my out (I was crying, surprise surprise, and she asked about the girls...which always makes me smile) she's my favorite nurse there. Hope she's at my appt's when we get a BFP again.

I'm on a pregnancy loss message board that has been helpful...and so I've picked up a lot of their lingo (real quick: AF:Aunt Flo ;), ttc: try to conceive, BFP:Big Fat Positive)

I'm going to start going back to stories of my girls since that's what the purpose of this blog was in the first place. They are so wonderful. Amazing little people.

Great friendships

I got to see a lot of my closest friends this week. They all have gone back home now, and I already miss them. It wasn't enough time that's for sure...but the quality of time was great. Yesterday we went to the beach with my friend Alison and her husband, Bob. The girls had a blast. They could literally spend all day at the beach. They dug in the sand, built (well, really enjoyed destroying) sand castles, played tickle monster with their Uncle Bob while Aunt Alison kept them safe, found seashells, and had so much fun :). I love days like this. Here are some pictures....

Dr. called...

My hsg levels are at 113. I have to go in Monday for an ultrasound and to check my betas again. This sucks. I just want to be back to normal...with a light at the end of tunnel. That's all for now.