numbers in

Got the call about my bloodwork yesterday. I'm at 45, was at 113 last week, so it is going down which is good. I was secretly hoping I'd already be at a 0. I have to go in next week :(. I heard a quote on ER last Thursday that's stayed with me:

"When you lose a spouse you are a widow, when you lose your parents you are an orphan, but when you lose a child there are just no words for that."

I talked with the girls' teacher today. Was having some issues, and basically they let the kids choose everything, and it drives me nuts. Choose if they put the smock on and ruin their clothes, choose if they do the art project of the day (so I have art from one kid and not the other), they choose if they wash their hands well (some days they come home with paint all on their arm) ugh. Trying to decide if the pros of the school out way the cons. I get that kids need to make choices, but I feel this is too much. They aren't in Pre-K they are in a 2's and 3's class. They have 2 more school years after this one before they go to Kindergarten!

Got my bounce back...

Well, today went better than I had expected. Went to the Dr., had my ultrasound first, and everything looked good. No residual tissue...which is great. My Dr. said as of January (after 2 cycles...hopefully end of Nov. I'll get my first and then end of Dec. for the 2nd) we can ttc again! Never have wanted to see AF rear her ugly face, but now I'm asking her to come for a week long visit now! LOL. My dr. seems really optimistic and I asked about coming in to get my hsg tested monthly and he said he doesn't feel it's necessary and doesn't want me to feel like we need to wait before having a baby. So, that was good to hear. The nurse hugged me on my out (I was crying, surprise surprise, and she asked about the girls...which always makes me smile) she's my favorite nurse there. Hope she's at my appt's when we get a BFP again.

I'm on a pregnancy loss message board that has been helpful...and so I've picked up a lot of their lingo (real quick: AF:Aunt Flo ;), ttc: try to conceive, BFP:Big Fat Positive)

I'm going to start going back to stories of my girls since that's what the purpose of this blog was in the first place. They are so wonderful. Amazing little people.

Great friendships

I got to see a lot of my closest friends this week. They all have gone back home now, and I already miss them. It wasn't enough time that's for sure...but the quality of time was great. Yesterday we went to the beach with my friend Alison and her husband, Bob. The girls had a blast. They could literally spend all day at the beach. They dug in the sand, built (well, really enjoyed destroying) sand castles, played tickle monster with their Uncle Bob while Aunt Alison kept them safe, found seashells, and had so much fun :). I love days like this. Here are some pictures....

Dr. called...

My hsg levels are at 113. I have to go in Monday for an ultrasound and to check my betas again. This sucks. I just want to be back to normal...with a light at the end of tunnel. That's all for now.

News

I was praying after our follow up today that this would be somewhat behind us, no such luck. The Dr. started off by saying your pathology report came in....I felt like I hit a pause button and my head was going crazy with thoughts. Why did they test when they said they weren't going to? Something must have looked really wrong for them to test. What is wrong??? So, I'm already crying when my Dr. goes on to tell me what they found. I had a partial molar on my placenta. The baby also had triple the chromosomes than normal. I was already scared to ttc after losing our baby, but with this news I am terrified. The Dr. said it's likely to not happen again. He also went on to say they will be monitoring my HCG levels to make sure they are going down. So, it's not over, I have to keep going back to this office that makes me now erupt in tears because of our memories of finding out we lost our baby there. I was hoping after today I wouldn't go back there until I had good news. Through my tears I told my Dr. I can't go through this again...and he said depending on my hcg levels I may need to wait 3 months before ttc again. I was so anxious to try to get pregnant sooner, but we'll do anything we need to do to have a healthy baby. Those of you that read this and pray...please pray my levels go down, and that we can have a healthy baby soon.

Not looking forward to this afternoon...

My follow up appt. is today. Hoping to feel some closure to this ordeal...but just dreading having to once again talk about and go through the emotions of what has happened and how I feel about it. I've been doing really well the past few days about being "ok". Today I told the girls their Grandma would watch them so Mommy can go to the Dr. Mikayla asked if it was because they'd have a baby really soon. UGH. I said, no, where did our baby go? Then, Mikayla said the baby is in Heaven. Hopefully in '09 we'll have good news to share with the girls who almost want to be a big sister as much as their Mommy wants to complete our family with a very special baby.

It's been a whirlwind of a weekend with friends in town and lots of fun things to do.

Here's a picture of my favorite girls :) (well, besides my beautiful children)...

Change, Ch Cha Cha Change...

Got my hair cut tonight. I really like it. It was a woman from my multiples group who cut it...my first time going to her. I walk in and she says (wait for it)...Congratulations!!! I said, um, no. Then, she inserted her foot into her mouth..ok, not really. UGH. I thought I had e-mailed everyone that knew, but man does word get around fast. So then I told her what happened it was the first time I didn't cry. She had been through so many failed IVF's that I kind of felt like she had been through more than me so I couldn't cry. I'm sure I'll take pictures with my fabulous friends who will be here this weekend. So I'll post a picture soon. The girls liked it, Mikayla kept asking me to pose for pictures (but she took them with her fake camera ;) ).

Tomorrow I'm going out to eat with friends, and Anna will be here late tomorrow night, Saturday is Sara's shower and I get to see Alison and Alison! We're all going out Saturday night and my girls are having a sleepover at Grandma and Grandpa's. I'm really excited about time with friends. I'm out of my hermit crab status....all I wanted to do the past week was stay home...but I'm trying to feel optimistic about God's plans for us for '09. It's got to be a good year!