News

I was praying after our follow up today that this would be somewhat behind us, no such luck. The Dr. started off by saying your pathology report came in....I felt like I hit a pause button and my head was going crazy with thoughts. Why did they test when they said they weren't going to? Something must have looked really wrong for them to test. What is wrong??? So, I'm already crying when my Dr. goes on to tell me what they found. I had a partial molar on my placenta. The baby also had triple the chromosomes than normal. I was already scared to ttc after losing our baby, but with this news I am terrified. The Dr. said it's likely to not happen again. He also went on to say they will be monitoring my HCG levels to make sure they are going down. So, it's not over, I have to keep going back to this office that makes me now erupt in tears because of our memories of finding out we lost our baby there. I was hoping after today I wouldn't go back there until I had good news. Through my tears I told my Dr. I can't go through this again...and he said depending on my hcg levels I may need to wait 3 months before ttc again. I was so anxious to try to get pregnant sooner, but we'll do anything we need to do to have a healthy baby. Those of you that read this and pray...please pray my levels go down, and that we can have a healthy baby soon.

Not looking forward to this afternoon...

My follow up appt. is today. Hoping to feel some closure to this ordeal...but just dreading having to once again talk about and go through the emotions of what has happened and how I feel about it. I've been doing really well the past few days about being "ok". Today I told the girls their Grandma would watch them so Mommy can go to the Dr. Mikayla asked if it was because they'd have a baby really soon. UGH. I said, no, where did our baby go? Then, Mikayla said the baby is in Heaven. Hopefully in '09 we'll have good news to share with the girls who almost want to be a big sister as much as their Mommy wants to complete our family with a very special baby.

It's been a whirlwind of a weekend with friends in town and lots of fun things to do.

Here's a picture of my favorite girls :) (well, besides my beautiful children)...

Change, Ch Cha Cha Change...

Got my hair cut tonight. I really like it. It was a woman from my multiples group who cut it...my first time going to her. I walk in and she says (wait for it)...Congratulations!!! I said, um, no. Then, she inserted her foot into her mouth..ok, not really. UGH. I thought I had e-mailed everyone that knew, but man does word get around fast. So then I told her what happened it was the first time I didn't cry. She had been through so many failed IVF's that I kind of felt like she had been through more than me so I couldn't cry. I'm sure I'll take pictures with my fabulous friends who will be here this weekend. So I'll post a picture soon. The girls liked it, Mikayla kept asking me to pose for pictures (but she took them with her fake camera ;) ).

Tomorrow I'm going out to eat with friends, and Anna will be here late tomorrow night, Saturday is Sara's shower and I get to see Alison and Alison! We're all going out Saturday night and my girls are having a sleepover at Grandma and Grandpa's. I'm really excited about time with friends. I'm out of my hermit crab status....all I wanted to do the past week was stay home...but I'm trying to feel optimistic about God's plans for us for '09. It's got to be a good year!

My sweet sweet girls

We pray every night before the girls go to bed. Tonight, Brianna prayed for the baby. I asked what baby, because we always pray for our friends who are expecting, and she says so and so's baby. Well, tonight she said, "Mommy, our baby in Heaven". I of course start crying (which I try not to in front of them...but this week has been very difficult). She hugged me and said, "don't worry I'm your baby forever and ever". Seriously. I have the best daughter's in the whole world. They are so compassionate, and I pray that they stay sweet with a pure heart and love God.

We have friend's coming into town this weekend. I'm so excited. I really need some quality friend time with my closest girls. The picture is of Brianna with my sister, Cortney. I think they look a lot alike here. It's funny my immediate family who can easily tell the girls apart always say Brianna looks more like me (she so has Nelson's personality though ;) )...and Mikayla looks exactly like Nelson (with my personality). Even though they are identical their facial expressions can be different...Brianna's eyes are different from Mikayla's. I think their smiles are a little different too. So funny how different they are, yet so many people can't tell them apart....not even their teachers and it's November!

Watching the Island reunion on MTV tonight...I so love these trashy reality shows ;)

I ordered this necklace today. It was from a pregnancy loss site, actually called LaBelleDame. The winding circle represents pregnancy and unending love, and the rose quartz heart symbolizes the love, and the stone is suppossed to be for emotional healing. I think it will help to have something special for our baby since there was so much love there already.

On a less sad note... (well, we'll see ;) ) We went and voted this morning. The girls were so excited...and then kind of disappointed. They thought they would see Obama actually at the polls. It was so cute. We walked in and Brianna said, "Where's Obama?!?" Nelson told her he was in Indiana, and she seemed satisfied ;). Can't wait to hear who our president will be...I'm expecting only good things for '09 since we had a crappy ending to '08.

Too smart...

So obviously since this is my 2nd post in one day it's been a difficult day. This morning I was feeling down and the girls were playing "house". Mikayla came up to me and asked me if she was still a Big Sister. I said...well, you are a twin sister. She then said "I wish there was going to be a baby and I was a big sister". Brianna then, as I was getting teary eyed, ran up to me and said, "Mommy I'm your baby". As much as this affects Nelson and I it really affects the girls too. I hate that they have to go through this. They are going to make the most amazing big sisters someday. We definitely won't say anything when we get pregnant again until we are in the safe zone. I pray it won't be so long until we are there.

Angry

I should be celebrating today. I should be entering into the 2nd trimester today. Instead I'm reminded that tomorrow will be a week since I found out there's no baby any longer. I feel stabbing reminders daily (I know it's only been a week), but I so want to just feel whole again...instead of empty. Yesterday Mikayla told me she missed the baby in my tummy, and I just started bawling, and told her Mommy did too. I've been ok when I'm on the go...but then while out or while trying to have fun the thought of everything is still right there with me. I don't think I'll really be ok until we get pregnant again and it's a viable healthy pregnancy. Who knows when that will be. I can't even try until end of December...I'm praying I get a period in a month and my cycle is normal. Hopefully it doesn't take too long...and then hopefully I'm super sick and have all the horrible/wonderful pregnancy symptoms...and that 13 weeks goes quickly.