My sweet sweet girls

We pray every night before the girls go to bed. Tonight, Brianna prayed for the baby. I asked what baby, because we always pray for our friends who are expecting, and she says so and so's baby. Well, tonight she said, "Mommy, our baby in Heaven". I of course start crying (which I try not to in front of them...but this week has been very difficult). She hugged me and said, "don't worry I'm your baby forever and ever". Seriously. I have the best daughter's in the whole world. They are so compassionate, and I pray that they stay sweet with a pure heart and love God.

We have friend's coming into town this weekend. I'm so excited. I really need some quality friend time with my closest girls. The picture is of Brianna with my sister, Cortney. I think they look a lot alike here. It's funny my immediate family who can easily tell the girls apart always say Brianna looks more like me (she so has Nelson's personality though ;) )...and Mikayla looks exactly like Nelson (with my personality). Even though they are identical their facial expressions can be different...Brianna's eyes are different from Mikayla's. I think their smiles are a little different too. So funny how different they are, yet so many people can't tell them apart....not even their teachers and it's November!

Watching the Island reunion on MTV tonight...I so love these trashy reality shows ;)

I ordered this necklace today. It was from a pregnancy loss site, actually called LaBelleDame. The winding circle represents pregnancy and unending love, and the rose quartz heart symbolizes the love, and the stone is suppossed to be for emotional healing. I think it will help to have something special for our baby since there was so much love there already.

On a less sad note... (well, we'll see ;) ) We went and voted this morning. The girls were so excited...and then kind of disappointed. They thought they would see Obama actually at the polls. It was so cute. We walked in and Brianna said, "Where's Obama?!?" Nelson told her he was in Indiana, and she seemed satisfied ;). Can't wait to hear who our president will be...I'm expecting only good things for '09 since we had a crappy ending to '08.

Too smart...

So obviously since this is my 2nd post in one day it's been a difficult day. This morning I was feeling down and the girls were playing "house". Mikayla came up to me and asked me if she was still a Big Sister. I said...well, you are a twin sister. She then said "I wish there was going to be a baby and I was a big sister". Brianna then, as I was getting teary eyed, ran up to me and said, "Mommy I'm your baby". As much as this affects Nelson and I it really affects the girls too. I hate that they have to go through this. They are going to make the most amazing big sisters someday. We definitely won't say anything when we get pregnant again until we are in the safe zone. I pray it won't be so long until we are there.

Angry

I should be celebrating today. I should be entering into the 2nd trimester today. Instead I'm reminded that tomorrow will be a week since I found out there's no baby any longer. I feel stabbing reminders daily (I know it's only been a week), but I so want to just feel whole again...instead of empty. Yesterday Mikayla told me she missed the baby in my tummy, and I just started bawling, and told her Mommy did too. I've been ok when I'm on the go...but then while out or while trying to have fun the thought of everything is still right there with me. I don't think I'll really be ok until we get pregnant again and it's a viable healthy pregnancy. Who knows when that will be. I can't even try until end of December...I'm praying I get a period in a month and my cycle is normal. Hopefully it doesn't take too long...and then hopefully I'm super sick and have all the horrible/wonderful pregnancy symptoms...and that 13 weeks goes quickly.

Such a huge loss

On September 4th we found out we were expecting a baby. We felt so much joy, and told so many people. Then when we went in for an ultrasound at 12 weeks 10/28/08, there was no heartbeat. The ultrasound tech knew beforehand. My mom and my girls were there to see the baby too, and she told them not to come in. We had an ultrasound at 10 weeks, 10/10/08, the baby measured 8 weeks 2 days, the baby had a great heartbeat (171). The Dr. said our dates were off or it could be one of 100 other reasons. He never gave us any indication that we could lose this baby. I was so unprepared. This happens to 1 out of 5 women. That's too high of a number. In every pregnancy there is a 15-20% chance of miscarriage. I feel so blessed to have my daughters...lots of people endure miscarriages, and don't have a child...let alone two perfect healthy children. They definitely have been a light throughout all this darkness.

We already loved this baby. We thought it was the perfect timing for our family. I'm praying God has a better time for a healthy baby to come into our lives. I know He does...it's just so hard. I am already neurotic when I'm pregnant...so I can't imagine how I'll be when there's a next time.

Nelson has been amazing though everything. God really blessed me with this perfect man. Praying for me to emotionally heal...praying for a future with a viable, healthy pregnancy, praying my girls never endure this pain, praying my friends never go through this and if they already have that they never have to again, praying that I can trust God with ttc again someday, praying my eyes stop burning from all this crying.

Update

It's been so long since I've posted. Not sure anyone reads this, but nevertheless, a good outlet for me :). The girls are closer to THREE. Crazy. They talk about their birthday constantly you'd think it was tomorrow.

They were flowergirls in my best friend, Alison's, wedding this past March. I might be a little biased, but they were the cutest flower girls ever :). One of my other best friends, Sara is expecting! It's so exciting. In our circle from high school I'm the only one with kids, so I can't wait for someone close to me to become a Mommy!

The girls start preschool next month...every Tues and Thurs. from 9-12. I'm excited! We have moved and the girls are in big girl beds. They are doing so well.

10 years

Tomorrow will be 10 years since my Nannie passed away. My Nannie is my maternal grandmother. It is so strange. At each milestone in my life I have gotten emotional wishing she was there. She missed my wedding and the birth of my twin girls. I know she is with us, and I do feel her from time to time...but, it's not the same as talking to her. I have her old rocking chair in my home, and I tell my girls it's their Great Nannie's chair. It touched my heart when a couple weeks later they ran to the rocker and said Great Nannie's! I hope to tell my children all about her, and about my relationship with her. She was a wonderful Nannie, and had so much love for me.